pervy snape fancier

Note: Not all of these are attached to bad fics. Most frequently the stories are simply mediocre. Sometimes I actually run across pretty decent ones that just have unfortunate summaries.

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This story is intended to follow the canonical events of the Harry Potter series, but takes creative license as it explores the relationship between Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape. It may seem OOC to those who don't agree with the author's portrayal.

Soo... if it's out of character to those who don't agree with JKR... does that mean it's in character? *scratches head*

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Athena and her friends visit an unusual shop where the owner takes them back to before Fudge caused her parents to go through some horrible acts.

Tsk. A chocolate high can be a terrible thing. (Also known in the United States as "the Twinkie defense".)

Includes a lot of Fudge bashing.

*snickers* *is twelve*

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Just days after Severus Snape wakes in the hospital, he gets a little unexpected Southern Comfort. Katie is hardly the usual Mary Sue found in fan fiction. Please read my bit of fluff and see for yourself. If you do not like Mary Sue, DO NOT READ THIS

"Medicine", aha, I see. Wink, wink. But somehow I never saw Severus as the type for sweet, fruity drinks...

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Severus left Harry a long time ago. Harry has taken to writing poems to the address that Severus is supposedly staying at even though they are and sent back unopened. This is poem number 5067.

After 5066 owls, those Muggles are getting pretty goddamn annoyed, let me tell you -- but nowhere near as annoyed as they'd be if they'd actually read Harry's poetry.

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Laila had a perfect life with her mom in Utah. She was an amazing dancer and when she's told she has to live with her dad and go to Hogwarts will it be a diaster or turning point in her life?

I doubt it's going to be a "diaster". I certainly wouldn't give this two stars.

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Was Snape good? Or was he evil? Lexyismyhero and a friend debate on the subject. Please read, and review.

Um, sweetie, that's a very nice "Trust Snape" sticker you have there, but you might want to turn to the next page in the script now. You know, the one with "Deathly Hallows" at the top. No, no, don't worry; we'll all wait while you read it.

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A letter from a normally cold man to the woman he loves.

Dear Hermione,

Northern Canada, Iceland, and Siberia have all been very well, but I think it's time for something tropical. Meet me in Thailand next Thursday.

--Severus

Rated M just in case for possible additions

Bets taken here: home-improvement porn or arithmetic porn?

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Harry becomes ill and faints in Snape's classroom. What will happen when Madame Pomfrey leaves for the weekend?

Did you get chocolate or vanilla pudding with your lunch? Some of Shakespeare's plays are tragedies. There is a mouse underneath the couch. Is it hot outside? My aunt Laura lives in France.

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Harry is sent to an Alternate Universe where noone knows who he is. After an attack on Hogsmeade the Ministry and Order think he's a dangerous, new Death Eater - Voldemort knows better and plans to find out who this scrawny kid is! What's a boy to do?

"Ah, Harry, you've arrived!"

Harry whirled about and levelled his wand at the source of the voice. "Who are you and why do you know my name?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Doctor Noonien Soong; how do you do?"

"Noo-- Noone-- wha?"

"I'd prefer Dr. Soong, but then -- heh, heh -- I suppose you're not the type to be calmed by an excess of authority. Now am I right or am I right on that one?"

When Hermionie comes home for the summer holidays thats when things began to change for the worse in the Granger home. She now has to keep a very painful secrete from her friends.five years pass and she cant take it anymore, and turns to her potions maste

Moral of the story? Use condoms.

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We know what happened in the end for Harry and Co. But what about what happened on the other side?

You mean in the beginning? I think that's been written already.

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Isabell has finally gotten into Hogwarts! Hooray! She makes it her school goal to annoy Severus Snape as much as she can. Humor insured!

*files a humor claim*

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Katie Ravenel posses an ability that causes her to see potentially horrible things. Invited back to teach at Hogwarts, can she lead a normal life? Someone attempts to help her, and she falls for him.....

Katie sees this fic, then, I assume.

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A prophecy has been told. one girl is send on a special mission to save the wizarding world.but will she succeed and decide the faith of all?

Looks like they haven't heard of separation of church and state.

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Hermione has always loved the superhero Batman, but she loves her Batman more then the caped crusader. SS/HG Problem with pairing deal with it and don't read.

The Snark Knight?

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Hermione Grangers' motto is When life throws you apple, transfigure them into pears, so why has it taken her so long to transfigure her life into something controllable. Professor Severus Snape thinks he can help, but the question is, will she let him?

Apples may look controllable, but let me tell you about the Great Staffordshire Apple Rebellion of 1878...

One shot Coming of age tale involving Weasley and Snape. Some magic, very foul language....

Some magic? I guess that's reasonable. It's only a Harry Potter fanfic, after all. Wouldn't want to put too much magic in.

...My best story yet.

Oh dear.

Let me say that again, in case it wasn't clear enough: Oh dear.

I sent this one to babb_chronicles, so I'll be doing this again, but I just can't resist sharing some of these absolutely, um, lovely lines: ( Read more... )

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Harry Potter runs for school board under a strange platform.

Looks like Harry's been starting the post-election celebration a little early.

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One-shot Hermione has a question for the Potions Professor but when she goes to look for him she is met with a very interesting surprise.

Turns out he's been doing naughty things with One-trick Harry and Ronnie One-note.

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A scene of lust between none other than Snape and Hermione. This is a scene that will be placed into a story I am writing, at a later date. But enjoy for now. THIS IS AN EXPLICIT PIECE OF WORK - MA ONLY!

Wow, you're brave. I'd never show my explicit fanfic to my mother.

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(this one could be a lot worse, although it includes some amusing misused words, like Hermione wearing a violet "brazier" and stuffing books into her "back".)

Hermione has a detention with Snape that explodes, and ends up becoming more than either of them bargained for, though not what they didn’t all-ready want.

Oooh, bad luck, Granger. Most of your incarnations get detentions with non-exploding Snapes. I imagine you certainly didn't bargain for becoming basically a red stain smeared across the walls of the dungeon.

harry finds severus hurt in the perfects. what happens after that? do they find love? or will the hate continue?

Any suggestions as to just where on his body Severus's "perfects" are located?

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Heir to a Somalian Warlord and raised in a world ruled by guns, drugs and violence, what happens to Harry when his past catches up to him after 10 years in Africa? How will he adapt to a world of magic that expects their ‘pure’ saviour? eventual HPSS

I don't have anything particularly witty to say about this one. I think that just happens to be the most utterly random choice for an alternate reality fic I've ever seen.

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Saffi has worked up the courage to tell her parents about her new boyfriend - a man 18 years her senior. How will Hermione and Severus react to Saffi's arguement that it is simply tradition.

I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved that this didn't turn out to be an Absolutely Fabulous crossover. But what I really want to know is how Hermione talked Severus into a name like Saffi Snape.

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Snape's daughter is coming to Hogwarts and follow adventues as she struggles between loalty to her father and lolalty to her friends.

lolalty n. Something this summary possesses a fair bit of.

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AU,postwar. A classical accident has an unlikely result.

"Classical accident"? Like, your symphony orchestra's bus crashes and burns?

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Harry gets drenched in a half made Potion by a little blonde menace and reverts back to his 1 year old self. And a certain potions master slowly falls in love with him.

D: Yikes! Now that's extreme chan!

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harry potter is obsesed with severus snape. But snape isn't a healthy choice for a crush Slash

Oh? And why not? Is he -- ahem -- greasy food?

Harry narrates Severus’ pregnancy and their marriage. Sequel to ‘So much more than want.’ MPREG SLASH

Which drives Severus absolutely up the wall, let me tell you. Harry just won't. shut. up.

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During his summer before fifth year, Harry gets a letter, now he the mate of three deatheaters. This year at Hogwarts is going to be very intresting. Pairings: SS/HP/DM/LM RW/HG FW/GW RL/SB

Wow, that's quite a thing to find out by form letter. Hoping you are well, Mafalda Hopkirk.

Oh, actually it's Dumbles. get a load of this:

Dear Harry,

I have been informed that as of today you are now the, mate of vampires Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and Draco Malfoy Much will be explained later. You will be picked up July 20th at noon

Have a nice summer.

Albus Dumbledore

See? No big deal. Pfft.

Seeing as this fic also contains a bottle of saliva that gets appealed to, a night teen, and "white eyes that always remained Harry of fresh snow", I think this is a candidate for babb_chronicles.

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(the entire summary. this one is clearly a troll, too.)
Eggs

Well, there's eggs and Snape; eggs, Harry, and Snape; eggs and Spam; eggs, Snape, and Spam; eggs, Snape, Harry, and Spam; Spam, Snape, Harry, and Spam; Spam, eggs, Spam, Spam, Snape, and Spam; Spam, Harry, Spam, Spam, Snape, Spam, Ron, and Spam...

Bloody fanficcers.

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(this story has been deleted)
Delilah loves Severus, Severus loves Lily, Lily love Potter, Potter loves Lily.

But does Potter love Severus, and Lily love Delilah, and...

Delilah cannot compete with Lily. Or so she thinks? But can she really?

I have to say it's rather silly. This story must have been a dilly.

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Severus reflects on his relationship and the things he remembers of it. one-shot o 0

o.O.... O.o .... O_O ... >_<

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Megan Snape reflects on parts of her and Severus's life together after she receives the news of his death. One-shot, DH and HPB spoilers, Snape/OC. Sensitive material, e.g. death, and you might need a tissue for this.

Yeah, to squish it and flush it down the toilet. Oh man.

(Actually, it could be a lot worse; it is at least written in perfectly comprehensible English. But gawd. Megan Snape, whom Draco calls "Aunt" because she is related to Lucius...?)

yet anouther snape and harry story! yay sev! the dursleys abuse harry. rescued be snape.

Our author, who art in Scotland,
Controversial be thy Name.
Thy series done.
Rescued be Snape,
On earth still and not in heaven.

enjoy xxx

Eh, Vin Diesel isn't really my thing.

(actually pretty decent, just the summary amused me)
Narcissa waits for Regulus

...who has just stepped out for a bite with some chap named Godot.

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(also pretty well-done)
When Harry wakes one morning, he discovers a badly injured Snape in his living room, and tries to hide him. But Petunia discovers them and reveals a secret she has kept for thirteen years--one that will change the course of Harry's life forever, and Sever

Of course she discovered them. Fully-grown Snapes are far too bulky to fit behind the couch.

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a accident in potions, leaves Harry in a world where Snape is his father? not only that but Draco is his best friend?

I dunno, you tell me! You wrote this story!

The title, "Harry Snape and the Wait Snape?" (more uncertainty? *tsk*), makes me think of a restaurant staffed entirely by Severus clones...

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Sev is not happy, she reminds him of Lily, a powerfulHarry girlHarry angel named Lily Cosette Harrieta Evans-Potter-Gryffindor-Emrys-leFay-Black-Quant-Smith-Hufflepuff-Dumbledore-Reviere-Blokka-Xeliah-deMeyer-Core-Fiaso-Ravenclaw-Slytherin. not reborn Lil

Whoa. How does she fit all that into the signature space on her checks?

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Year 5 in the series, Daylight and the group are back. But after spending the six weeks off with Snape how are Jazmin and Daylight, will the new bubble barrier effect the group and make them worse than before. Also whats the matter with Snape?

PTSD from having had to spend six weeks behind a "bubble barrier" with people named Jazmin and Daylight.

Hermione desperately needs more time for herself because the boys are wearing her out.

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!

Once she gets extra time, her knowledge keeps pace only with her problems. Starting with Viktor, ending as SS/HG much later. Do the boys notice? Of course not.

Ignorance is bliss.

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They were warned, but they chose to ignore it, so Harry, Ginny, and Draco wound up raped, bonded and impregnated by Snape.

Well at least he had the decency to marry them all after impregnating them...

WARNING: mpreg, slash, het, foursome TENTACLE LEMON

...even if it was a spear-gun wedding.

"Warned" about what, I wonder? That Snape was some kind of octopus demon? *reads*

...yyyeah. Apparently exactly that. Please, put down the Urotsukidoji and back away slowly. (Babb, here we come!)

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(this one isn't actually that bad at all, but the summary made me giggle anyway.)

AU Slash 6th year. The death of his godfather has caused a shift in Harry’s perspective.

He could finally see those damn random dot stereograms properly.

Resolving to rectify his less than stellar OWL grades, he retakes the exams

But I thought he passed his Astronomy OWL. (Stellar... Astronomy... with the thing, and the... oh never mind.)

only to have an imploding potion send him 20 years into the past.

Oh, usually we see exploding potions. How delightfully original this is!

IndependentGrey!Harry

HARRY IS AN ALIEN AAAAA

(...but at least an alien who's not still living with his parents, apparently.)

Based on the song ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon’ by Tony Orlando. When Snape is finally released from Azkaban non-DH compliant will his girlfriend want him back?

No, she'd only want him if he was still DH-compliant. Unfortunately, it seems prison can change a man...

Totally AU. OC fic. Severus discovers something interesting before Harry Potter comes to Hogwarts.

'Cause you see, in the books, nothing interesting ever happened before Harry Potter came to Hogwarts! That's what makes this an AU!

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Severus Snape has been living in his painting in the Headmaster's office for the past 41 years, when Jasona enters his life. What does the mysterious purple metal ball have to do with Severus Snape's past and will Jasona ever get out of the painting again

Uhh...

Severus Snape, in the painting, with the mysterious purple metal ball. That definitely doesn't vibrate or anything.

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What is that beautiful music.Harry returns to hogwarts for another year, and why is he so quiet? OO he has lost his voice, who will help Harry find it again? Or is it only his voice thats the problem? Snarry pairing-this is guy/guy. I dont own harry potte"

Sorry, Harry. Once you sell your voice to the sea witch so you can get legs and try to win the heart of the Prince, you can't get it back again.

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(a line in a fic)
Sirius grunted and then steeped aside allowing Snape to come in.

Sirius is a teapot, short and stout...

Snape is hunted by is past of Willow creek...

The Hunting of the Snark
( The Hunting of the Snape )

...but when he gets a letter inviting him to the funeral of William Gondar his long friend he must face his past to find the truth about his death and a dark secret that hunts the family.

Long friend is long. Bespoke casket and everything.

Jetta has never been normal or accepted. Not even among her fellow Slytherins.

...since she was actually from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. She had skimped a bit on her preparatory research, mistaken the dominant life form on Earth, and as a result thought that the name "Jetta" would be "nicely inconspicuous".

Needless to say, she was not a prefect.

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i wish i had never seen that stupid bottle of shampoo. stupid dave!

Oh, that Lister. What a trial.

Okay I got this from a guy named bob so please read it and I will tell you how to hear where I got this from 'cause that version is sooo much funnier! Please review

From Bob? Shame on you! Quit *koff* slacking!

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Severus reflects on prior actions with a student. One-shot *doesnt really relate to any of the books* Sev/OC rated for safety dont flame me

Any of the books. At all. This guy is otherwise perfectly white-bread American and just happens to have been saddled with the unfortunate name "Severus Snape". He's a bit of a bastard, but what Nebraskan wouldn't be if he'd had to go through elementary school with a name like that?

Rated for safety: Hard hat and flame retardant clothing required before entering fic site. Please refer to OSHA regulations before reading.

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Hogwarts school has its 1st trick-o-treat and Severus' and Remus' son has a great idea for an outfit. NOT THE SAME UNIVERSE AS MOON CHILD.

So it's not a Neverending Story crossover, then? Glad to hear it.

I was really bewildered by this one in just the first few sentences. "The large but graceful boy", "the small dark haired child", "the tall awkward girl", "the other male"... who??

Also:

"Why am I allowing this again, wolf?" Severus Snape drawled as he stepped into the room. "Chocolate…" Remus murmured in a whisper as he glided up behind his lover, wrapping his arms around Severus’s chest.
"Ah…yes…" He sighed softly.

Um, yes, well. I agree that chocolate is one of the fundamental laws of the universe, which of itself explains many other things, but... you lost me there, Remus.

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He probably would have lived longer if Nagini would not have bitten him, but that’s okay with him.

O RLY? He would have lived longer if he hadn't died? YOU DON'T SAY.

“It’s not going to heal” says Snape, “If I was your age, it probably would. At seventy, however, the womb is too severe. You probably already know that.”

(emphasis mine)

...Okay! Off to babb_chronicles this goes!

ETA: Oh yeah, and you know what's really great about that one? That the author took the character "Lily P." in the drop-down menu to be Harry's daughter, not Harry's mother. Reasonable enough assumption in the post-DH era, I suppose, but in this fic it means that Snape is having a baby with Lily's granddaughter, Lily.

In an AU exists a Slytherin Harry and in another a Gryffindor Harry. What happens when the gaps in one person get too large...

I predict.... death.

...and how does fate deal with it? HPSS, HPLV and DMBZHP. Not for ppl w outstanding morals.

Phew! That excuses me from duty, then.

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After finishing Harry Potter 7, I was so surprised to find the truth about Snape, and was so impressed that I write this fanfic. Any merit, refer it to J.K. Million thanks for her having written the story so good. Please comment.

I think she's got to be up to J.K. Trillion by now.

(I was amused to see Severus described as a "hapless chap" in this one.)

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Snape finally meets his daughter, just as he decides he loves Harry. But she likes Potter too, enough to..do the dirty deed with him.

But was it done dirt cheap?

(Points for almost naming the daughter Semele, which though alliterative, would at least not have been a &*^!ing Serena. Points immediately lost, however, for taking a left turn and calling her Semilie instead.)

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(the entire summary)
harry snape get it on.!

"We were going to, if you'd noticed," Harry said, indicating his naked body as he lay spread-eagle on the bed, "but we'd rather do it on our own schedule, thanks." He shook his head and turned to look at Severus. "Some people are so fucking impatient, aren't they?"

"Myself included," Severus said, running his fingertip down the line of Harry's throat.

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A potion induced comma sends tow unlikely people into a singing moment. *shudders* Song fic AU

If you ever wanted to picture Severus and Hermione playing the parts of Aladdin and Jasmine, here's your opportunity. Hmm... although you know, Severus would make a good Jafar. Also starring: Gilbert Gottfried as the voice of Fawkes. O.o

( But 'a potion induced comma'? That calls for crack!fic... )

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(the entire summary)
Severus relies on his one reliable friend.

As opposed to his unreliable friends, you'll note. Plenty of common sense, that bloke...

(another entire summary from the same author)
Severus observes something that Lily had already noticed.

...but apparently a bit slow on the uptake.

(I'm tempted to offer an MST3K line here: Lily: "Oh! What's that?" Severus: "That means I like you!")

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(fic doesn't look that bad actually)
Harry has forgotten. Features crazy harry.

No thanks; I prefer dirty Harry. (Do I feel lucky?)

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Its a wonderful life. Snape wishes he had never been born after Lily's death. A one-shot.

His wish is my command. Alakazam! He's now been born over 21 years before Lily's death.

Once again, kids, clause order matters.

(That movie would totally be the Christmas classic in my household. Forget that Jimmy Stewart guy; give me Severus!)

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Hermione goes on strike from Snape. Post war. Pretty much ignored DH.

We always knew it was going to end in a strike. The man's just been bloody unreasonable at the bargaining table. Gryffindors Local 7163 unite!

warning refers to abuse its about how harry feels but cant trust any one to tell any one/plez dont hate to much frist time

No worries; I love much fristing time. I know it's not popular, but once I got into it, I couldn't stop. People who hate much fristing time are really missing out, I think.

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bah. gah. hah. sha. well, see here.. wait "what happened to your hair?"

It was ruffled by excessive singing warmup exercises. All that "ba, ga, ha, sha" stuff really exacerbates the frizz.

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(This fic is actually kind of clever in its daisy-chain chapter structure and is decently written; I was just amused by the summary.)

Severus Snape is one sexy man.'Whatever will Harry do about his predicament?

Omigosh! Just think what trouble he would be in if Severus were two sexy men!

...I think I read a porno like that once. In fact, I know I did. He got trapped with a duplicate of himself in his own bathtub-sized cauldron and naughtiness and snark ensued. It was great.

(the entire summary -- mind your 255-character limits, people!)
“You Mister Severus ‘whatever your middle name is’ Snape, are hot,” She grinned as she reached into her purse, and pulled out a vial, “Sober up potion,” she took a drink, and smiled at him, “You know,” she leaned in, and whispered in his ear once again, “

"You, Mister Severus whatever-your-mid...dle..."

Hermione trailed off in mid-sentence as the potion took effect, then blushed a shade of scarlet a Mediterranean sunset would envy as the reality of what she had just said came crashing down on her. She chanced a look into Severus's eyes and immediately regretted it; running up against the force of his gaze was like bouncing off a concrete wall. She quickly peeled herself off of him and glanced down at the vial in her hand, which made it clear: she had grasped the wrong one.

That's the last time I carry that next to my Aphrodillusia, Hermione thought, turning away to face the wall. She groaned in frustration, then hurled the vial against the floor, where it shattered. She gained only momentary satisfaction from this act, however, as Severus's cold voice frosted over her fury at herself, chilling it to a block of ice in her gut.

"Only one person in this room, Miss Granger, is allowed to scatter broken glass upon its floor. I believe that person is me, and not you." He paused, and the only sound Hermione could hear in that space was her own rapid breathing. "But if you doubt my conclusion," he continued in a falsely kind tone, "I should be delighted to afford you a demonstration." The last word was a snarl that would have made a tiger think twice about going after whatever prey Severus might have been pursuing.

Hermione quickly weighed her chances against something Harry had once mentioned about a jar of cockroaches.

She fled.

(p.s. Fanon says "Tobias"; what are you, new? I personally find it too obvious to be satisfying, although it's probably what JKR thought, given how she dealt with other characters' middle names.)

A few sentences from a few charracters about how they few the meaning of love.

I few kind of uneasy about this.


(the title)
The Extremely Secret Blog of S Snape

For those for whom very secret just isn't enough.


Just an old response to an old challenge - by JayKay along the lines that Snape is found to be in possession of female body parts and they are 'in use!

Um. "In use". For what, by whom? Or am I better off not knowing?

Hot gurl Hot guy Hot time in bed. Ok so we're gonna c our 2 fav characters well my 2 fav characters, i don't care if they're not yours BOND You know what I MEAN anyway as always ReAd andddd drumroll.... REVIEW!

Bond (James Bond) didn't want to read your little trainwreck anyway.

on hermione's birthday she finds out that she is the daughter of Zeus and a camenae named Althea she must keep this a secret or be capruted by Voldemort. she gets to meet Zeus and her mother along the way. rated mature for talk of rape.

You've been spying on this babb_chronicles thread, haven't you?

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Severus Snape did not die that night. He made his escape and evolved. This is how it could have happened.

Severus Snape, wizard. A man barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology.

Severus Snape and Lucious Malfoy go to a Night Club in the 1960s i was bored when i wrote this idk if ill continue

The bouncer looked Lucius up and down with a frown, then held his hand about a foot over the boy's head. "Forget it, Blondie. You must be this tall to ride this attraction."

He turned his eyes towards Severus, whose arms were folded over his little chest and whose face bore a scowl that might one day become truly mighty. "And you, you scrawny thing, quit making that face. It's not going to make your age go into the double digits any faster."

The bouncer shook his head. "A bit of advice, boys: next time, at least have gone through puberty before trying to sneak into a club."

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Even the darkest skies have their stars. But what if the stars die; does the darkness just fade away? With the turn of each page,I can feel the stars burning out again as they did so long ago, and I fear,when I reach the last page, I may not have any left

...I'm stumped. Can anyone else deduce what this story is supposed to be about? (Reading it didn't help much.)

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"The boy reminded him of a heptagon. Hyper energy pulled in too many directions."

...what? The only way I know how to compare anyone to a polygon is by calling them "a square". Is this actually a whole class of expressions I wasn't previously aware of? And why is seven the number best representative of "too many"? Wouldn't even more be worse? "The boy reminded him of a tetracontagon." Yeah, I like that.