pervy snape fancier

How Dumbledore's hand REALLY got burned black.

I lol'ed.

Note: Not all of these are attached to bad fics. Most frequently the stories are simply mediocre. Sometimes I actually run across pretty decent ones that just have unfortunate summaries.

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This story is intended to follow the canonical events of the Harry Potter series, but takes creative license as it explores the relationship between Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape. It may seem OOC to those who don't agree with the author's portrayal.

Soo... if it's out of character to those who don't agree with JKR... does that mean it's in character? *scratches head*

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Athena and her friends visit an unusual shop where the owner takes them back to before Fudge caused her parents to go through some horrible acts.

Tsk. A chocolate high can be a terrible thing. (Also known in the United States as "the Twinkie defense".)

Includes a lot of Fudge bashing.

*snickers* *is twelve*

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Just days after Severus Snape wakes in the hospital, he gets a little unexpected Southern Comfort. Katie is hardly the usual Mary Sue found in fan fiction. Please read my bit of fluff and see for yourself. If you do not like Mary Sue, DO NOT READ THIS

"Medicine", aha, I see. Wink, wink. But somehow I never saw Severus as the type for sweet, fruity drinks...

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Severus left Harry a long time ago. Harry has taken to writing poems to the address that Severus is supposedly staying at even though they are and sent back unopened. This is poem number 5067.

After 5066 owls, those Muggles are getting pretty goddamn annoyed, let me tell you -- but nowhere near as annoyed as they'd be if they'd actually read Harry's poetry.

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Laila had a perfect life with her mom in Utah. She was an amazing dancer and when she's told she has to live with her dad and go to Hogwarts will it be a diaster or turning point in her life?

I doubt it's going to be a "diaster". I certainly wouldn't give this two stars.

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Was Snape good? Or was he evil? Lexyismyhero and a friend debate on the subject. Please read, and review.

Um, sweetie, that's a very nice "Trust Snape" sticker you have there, but you might want to turn to the next page in the script now. You know, the one with "Deathly Hallows" at the top. No, no, don't worry; we'll all wait while you read it.

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A letter from a normally cold man to the woman he loves.

Dear Hermione,

Northern Canada, Iceland, and Siberia have all been very well, but I think it's time for something tropical. Meet me in Thailand next Thursday.

--Severus

Rated M just in case for possible additions

Bets taken here: home-improvement porn or arithmetic porn?

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Harry becomes ill and faints in Snape's classroom. What will happen when Madame Pomfrey leaves for the weekend?

Did you get chocolate or vanilla pudding with your lunch? Some of Shakespeare's plays are tragedies. There is a mouse underneath the couch. Is it hot outside? My aunt Laura lives in France.

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Harry is sent to an Alternate Universe where noone knows who he is. After an attack on Hogsmeade the Ministry and Order think he's a dangerous, new Death Eater - Voldemort knows better and plans to find out who this scrawny kid is! What's a boy to do?

"Ah, Harry, you've arrived!"

Harry whirled about and levelled his wand at the source of the voice. "Who are you and why do you know my name?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Doctor Noonien Soong; how do you do?"

"Noo-- Noone-- wha?"

"I'd prefer Dr. Soong, but then -- heh, heh -- I suppose you're not the type to be calmed by an excess of authority. Now am I right or am I right on that one?"

Free for the Girls by lorena_snape. R, 100 words, angsty.
Just a drabble about sixth-year Severus, but it's so heartbreaking. I can't say any more about this without revealing too much (about me, or about the drabble? mmm, more the former I think...).

Professor Grunge by bohemianspirit. PG-13, ~4000 words, humour/satire/AU.
Upon graduating from Hogwarts, Severus pursues an employment opportunity in the northwestern United States, with somewhat unexpected results.
"Grunge" does in fact have something to do with grunge rock, but I'd rather not give it away. ;) bohemianspirit also tacked on an unusual "warning" that made me laugh: "Severus Snape gets to have a HAPPY LIFE!!!" *snicker* ya gotta warn for that now, do ya?

What Harry Loves by potion_lady. Severus/Harry, hard R, ~1500 words, romantic/sexual/sensual. (Very sensual, in fact.)
Harry loves everything about his lover.
Mmmmmm, taaasty descriptions, yesss precioussss.
...Yeah, I think that's plenty of reason to read this.

Escape from the Shrieking Shack by ellid. PG, 100 words, action (?).
I say "action" because it's done in fragmentary, rapid-fire phrases that take place over just a few seconds of time. A little morsel that made me go "woo-hoo!"

things i'm gonna do (G)
A seriously gorgeous drawing of Regulus with the locket. I mean like wow.

Snack (PG for silly kissyface)
*sporfle* Yeah. Snack: it's kinda like that.

Severus HBP (G)
Apparently mostly lighting practice, but I like the moody atmosphere and young Severus's (he looks maybe 12-13 to me) morose expression.

The First Wand (G)
G for Good God That's So Cute, that is. Little Lily and Severus getting their wands.

Snape, memories (G)
Just a simple sketch, but I love his melancholy expression, and the shape of his nose is oddly beautiful.

At the Top of the Hill (G)
Severus kneeling on that dark windy hilltop, offering Dumbledore "anything". All the fine lines give this the look of an engraving. His cloak and hair being whipped about in the wind are wonderful.

Boys Night In (NC-17 and very NWS)
Severus/Sirius/James: it tastes better when it's consensual (at least that seems to be the intent). acatnamedeaster has a gift for pleasured facial expressions, I think. I dare you to look at Severus's face and his hand grabbing the sheet and not drool. (Also: Sirius, lol get a hairstylist.)

And just for larfs, here's two abandoned HP art memes, because, you know, I can't stinkin' draw.

Silvercresent11's meme:

( some slightly large pictures )

uppuN's meme:

( one more )

The "ahem" is because "which" was misspelled as "wich" in the original. A lot of people just scribbled in the "h". I did something a little more involved, as you can see.

When Hermionie comes home for the summer holidays thats when things began to change for the worse in the Granger home. She now has to keep a very painful secrete from her friends.five years pass and she cant take it anymore, and turns to her potions maste

Moral of the story? Use condoms.

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We know what happened in the end for Harry and Co. But what about what happened on the other side?

You mean in the beginning? I think that's been written already.

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Isabell has finally gotten into Hogwarts! Hooray! She makes it her school goal to annoy Severus Snape as much as she can. Humor insured!

*files a humor claim*

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Katie Ravenel posses an ability that causes her to see potentially horrible things. Invited back to teach at Hogwarts, can she lead a normal life? Someone attempts to help her, and she falls for him.....

Katie sees this fic, then, I assume.

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A prophecy has been told. one girl is send on a special mission to save the wizarding world.but will she succeed and decide the faith of all?

Looks like they haven't heard of separation of church and state.

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Hermione has always loved the superhero Batman, but she loves her Batman more then the caped crusader. SS/HG Problem with pairing deal with it and don't read.

The Snark Knight?

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Hermione Grangers' motto is When life throws you apple, transfigure them into pears, so why has it taken her so long to transfigure her life into something controllable. Professor Severus Snape thinks he can help, but the question is, will she let him?

Apples may look controllable, but let me tell you about the Great Staffordshire Apple Rebellion of 1878...

( see tags; a fairly wide variety of stuff here! )

Dudes, check out the awesome little comment ficlet kerrisokol wrote for me on my latest summaries post!

One shot Coming of age tale involving Weasley and Snape. Some magic, very foul language....

Some magic? I guess that's reasonable. It's only a Harry Potter fanfic, after all. Wouldn't want to put too much magic in.

...My best story yet.

Oh dear.

Let me say that again, in case it wasn't clear enough: Oh dear.

I sent this one to babb_chronicles, so I'll be doing this again, but I just can't resist sharing some of these absolutely, um, lovely lines: ( Read more... )

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Harry Potter runs for school board under a strange platform.

Looks like Harry's been starting the post-election celebration a little early.

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One-shot Hermione has a question for the Potions Professor but when she goes to look for him she is met with a very interesting surprise.

Turns out he's been doing naughty things with One-trick Harry and Ronnie One-note.

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A scene of lust between none other than Snape and Hermione. This is a scene that will be placed into a story I am writing, at a later date. But enjoy for now. THIS IS AN EXPLICIT PIECE OF WORK - MA ONLY!

Wow, you're brave. I'd never show my explicit fanfic to my mother.

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(this one could be a lot worse, although it includes some amusing misused words, like Hermione wearing a violet "brazier" and stuffing books into her "back".)

Hermione has a detention with Snape that explodes, and ends up becoming more than either of them bargained for, though not what they didn’t all-ready want.

Oooh, bad luck, Granger. Most of your incarnations get detentions with non-exploding Snapes. I imagine you certainly didn't bargain for becoming basically a red stain smeared across the walls of the dungeon.

Someone left a review for Care and Feeding of Severus Snape on FFN saying that they were thinking of a spinoff. Here it is (still in progress):

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4347376/1/Getting_My_Very_Own_Severus_Snape

It's a little rough I think, but it's silly and fun, and it's flattering to have someone want to do this.

What if a friend buys a Sirius Black model and wants to introduce him to Snape?
If you enjoy violence and war and pain then by all means introduce them.

XD

Here's another angle on that whole doe Patronus business, taken shamelessly (but with permission) from a (locked) post by lupabitch who was talking about actual animal totems:

I don't get why Deer is always associated with gentleness. You don't want to fuck with a deer. Especially a buck at rutting season. And if you're taking "Deer" in a broader sense to mean the entire family, just consider the red deer, the elk, and the moose. Antlers are wicked weapons, and all deer have sharp hooves.

Lots of animals are gentle with their young. Lots of tame or domestic animals can learn to be gentle with humans. But I'm not sure there's any wild animal that's so gentle that it wouldn't bite, kick, or sting the crap out of you if you threatened hir.

Bah. drachenmina, I fail at birthday present. Between two attempts I've written nearly 10,000 words and it all just rambles and wanders and blithers and never fucking goes anywhere. There's some snappy lines but overall it's just so blah and contrived. So I give up. This is supposed to be fun, not brain surgery.

ETA: What is "fail" about these is not that they are bad (although they are rough and, obviously, not even complete narratives), but that neither attempt got anywhere near my goal of "ficlet for a birthday present".

Herewith I present what is basically one huge outtake:

Not-a-title: The Failure of the Snack (A Tragedy in Two Parts)
Pairing: Severus/Sirius
Rating: R
Warnings: Obviously, a lack of beta and lack of Britpick; *koff-koff* percent dumb-Yankee-trying-too-hard-with-the-Britishisms by volume; lack of originality (in the form of re-using a wrist grab from one fic in the other and talking about Severus being made of ice).

( Fit the First: Sirius transforms to Padfoot for the first time, but he has a most undesirable witness to the occasion. )
( Fit the Second: A Slug Club party is a detention? Sure it is, if you're Sirius Black. )

drachenmina: I think I've figured out what is giving me such grief with yours, so I'm going to pull back, refocus and hopefully be able to write something else (and shorter!).

Hem, hem! That said:

Happy birthday, fbowden!

I figured I couldn't go wrong with a bit of Snarry for you, but this isn't an area I've ventured into very much (the extent of my experience to this point is... uh... the 61 words in this post), so this ficlet is still very much in the kiddie pool. Still, I hope it entertains!

Title: Bottled
Characters: Harry/Severus
Rating: PG
Words: ~300
Summary: Ask a silly question, get a silly answer, Harry.
Warnings: Unbetaed.
A/N: Inspired by a gibberish line in this post from the_bitter_word: "How to bottle foolish wand-waving the delicate power of potion-making."

( Bottled )

harry finds severus hurt in the perfects. what happens after that? do they find love? or will the hate continue?

Any suggestions as to just where on his body Severus's "perfects" are located?

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Heir to a Somalian Warlord and raised in a world ruled by guns, drugs and violence, what happens to Harry when his past catches up to him after 10 years in Africa? How will he adapt to a world of magic that expects their ‘pure’ saviour? eventual HPSS

I don't have anything particularly witty to say about this one. I think that just happens to be the most utterly random choice for an alternate reality fic I've ever seen.

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Saffi has worked up the courage to tell her parents about her new boyfriend - a man 18 years her senior. How will Hermione and Severus react to Saffi's arguement that it is simply tradition.

I'm not sure whether I'm disappointed or relieved that this didn't turn out to be an Absolutely Fabulous crossover. But what I really want to know is how Hermione talked Severus into a name like Saffi Snape.

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Snape's daughter is coming to Hogwarts and follow adventues as she struggles between loalty to her father and lolalty to her friends.

lolalty n. Something this summary possesses a fair bit of.

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AU,postwar. A classical accident has an unlikely result.

"Classical accident"? Like, your symphony orchestra's bus crashes and burns?

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Harry gets drenched in a half made Potion by a little blonde menace and reverts back to his 1 year old self. And a certain potions master slowly falls in love with him.

D: Yikes! Now that's extreme chan!

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harry potter is obsesed with severus snape. But snape isn't a healthy choice for a crush Slash

Oh? And why not? Is he -- ahem -- greasy food?

Harry narrates Severus’ pregnancy and their marriage. Sequel to ‘So much more than want.’ MPREG SLASH

Which drives Severus absolutely up the wall, let me tell you. Harry just won't. shut. up.

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During his summer before fifth year, Harry gets a letter, now he the mate of three deatheaters. This year at Hogwarts is going to be very intresting. Pairings: SS/HP/DM/LM RW/HG FW/GW RL/SB

Wow, that's quite a thing to find out by form letter. Hoping you are well, Mafalda Hopkirk.

Oh, actually it's Dumbles. get a load of this:

Dear Harry,

I have been informed that as of today you are now the, mate of vampires Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy and Draco Malfoy Much will be explained later. You will be picked up July 20th at noon

Have a nice summer.

Albus Dumbledore

See? No big deal. Pfft.

Seeing as this fic also contains a bottle of saliva that gets appealed to, a night teen, and "white eyes that always remained Harry of fresh snow", I think this is a candidate for babb_chronicles.

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(the entire summary. this one is clearly a troll, too.)
Eggs

Well, there's eggs and Snape; eggs, Harry, and Snape; eggs and Spam; eggs, Snape, and Spam; eggs, Snape, Harry, and Spam; Spam, Snape, Harry, and Spam; Spam, eggs, Spam, Spam, Snape, and Spam; Spam, Harry, Spam, Spam, Snape, Spam, Ron, and Spam...

Bloody fanficcers.

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(this story has been deleted)
Delilah loves Severus, Severus loves Lily, Lily love Potter, Potter loves Lily.

But does Potter love Severus, and Lily love Delilah, and...

Delilah cannot compete with Lily. Or so she thinks? But can she really?

I have to say it's rather silly. This story must have been a dilly.

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Severus reflects on his relationship and the things he remembers of it. one-shot o 0

o.O.... O.o .... O_O ... >_<

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Megan Snape reflects on parts of her and Severus's life together after she receives the news of his death. One-shot, DH and HPB spoilers, Snape/OC. Sensitive material, e.g. death, and you might need a tissue for this.

Yeah, to squish it and flush it down the toilet. Oh man.

(Actually, it could be a lot worse; it is at least written in perfectly comprehensible English. But gawd. Megan Snape, whom Draco calls "Aunt" because she is related to Lucius...?)

Happy birthday, slashpine!

You pointed at this picture and requested something with either Severus or a young "Snape-like" Albus Severus and computers. I don't think Al came out very "Snape-like" here (more like "some Snapeish references"), but I hope you enjoy this anyway!

Title: Heavy Wizardry
Characters: Potter family featuring mainly Harry and Albus Severus
Genre: Gen/humour
Rating: G
Words: ~1150
Summary: Albus Severus is a right little geek, he is.
Warnings: Unbetaed, unBritpicked silliness.
A/N: The title refers to the hackish sense of "wizard".


Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

*****

( Albus was only five years old when he started asking if he could have a computer. )

yet anouther snape and harry story! yay sev! the dursleys abuse harry. rescued be snape.

Our author, who art in Scotland,
Controversial be thy Name.
Thy series done.
Rescued be Snape,
On earth still and not in heaven.

enjoy xxx

Eh, Vin Diesel isn't really my thing.

(actually pretty decent, just the summary amused me)
Narcissa waits for Regulus

...who has just stepped out for a bite with some chap named Godot.

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(also pretty well-done)
When Harry wakes one morning, he discovers a badly injured Snape in his living room, and tries to hide him. But Petunia discovers them and reveals a secret she has kept for thirteen years--one that will change the course of Harry's life forever, and Sever

Of course she discovered them. Fully-grown Snapes are far too bulky to fit behind the couch.

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a accident in potions, leaves Harry in a world where Snape is his father? not only that but Draco is his best friend?

I dunno, you tell me! You wrote this story!

The title, "Harry Snape and the Wait Snape?" (more uncertainty? *tsk*), makes me think of a restaurant staffed entirely by Severus clones...

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Sev is not happy, she reminds him of Lily, a powerfulHarry girlHarry angel named Lily Cosette Harrieta Evans-Potter-Gryffindor-Emrys-leFay-Black-Quant-Smith-Hufflepuff-Dumbledore-Reviere-Blokka-Xeliah-deMeyer-Core-Fiaso-Ravenclaw-Slytherin. not reborn Lil

Whoa. How does she fit all that into the signature space on her checks?

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Year 5 in the series, Daylight and the group are back. But after spending the six weeks off with Snape how are Jazmin and Daylight, will the new bubble barrier effect the group and make them worse than before. Also whats the matter with Snape?

PTSD from having had to spend six weeks behind a "bubble barrier" with people named Jazmin and Daylight.

Hermione desperately needs more time for herself because the boys are wearing her out.

Nudge-nudge, wink-wink!

Once she gets extra time, her knowledge keeps pace only with her problems. Starting with Viktor, ending as SS/HG much later. Do the boys notice? Of course not.

Ignorance is bliss.

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They were warned, but they chose to ignore it, so Harry, Ginny, and Draco wound up raped, bonded and impregnated by Snape.

Well at least he had the decency to marry them all after impregnating them...

WARNING: mpreg, slash, het, foursome TENTACLE LEMON

...even if it was a spear-gun wedding.

"Warned" about what, I wonder? That Snape was some kind of octopus demon? *reads*

...yyyeah. Apparently exactly that. Please, put down the Urotsukidoji and back away slowly. (Babb, here we come!)

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(this one isn't actually that bad at all, but the summary made me giggle anyway.)

AU Slash 6th year. The death of his godfather has caused a shift in Harry’s perspective.

He could finally see those damn random dot stereograms properly.

Resolving to rectify his less than stellar OWL grades, he retakes the exams

But I thought he passed his Astronomy OWL. (Stellar... Astronomy... with the thing, and the... oh never mind.)

only to have an imploding potion send him 20 years into the past.

Oh, usually we see exploding potions. How delightfully original this is!

IndependentGrey!Harry

HARRY IS AN ALIEN AAAAA

(...but at least an alien who's not still living with his parents, apparently.)

Last night I was trying to do one of those art memes, and two of the questions were "what subject would you excel in" and "what subject would you be all EPIC FAIL in". (DevArt Silvercresent11 if you're wondering)

I can never seem to remember all twelve* on the first try, so I enlisted enotsola to help me, and to give input on which subjects I would probably have done well in. This resulted in the following exchange:

Me: *erasing Potions from the list* I don't think I could say I would have excelled at Potions.
Him: Yeah, because you'd be spending too much time staring at the teacher.
Me: *eyeroll* No, I mean I just don't think I have the intuitive touch for it.
Him: Sure, okay.
Me: I'd just follow the directions properly and get my work done quickly, and then stare at the teacher.


* - Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, Herbology, DADA, Care of Magical Creatures, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, History of Magic, Muggle Studies, Divination, Astronomy. FOR THE LAST TIME, BRAINMEATS! I couldn't remember History at first and both of us blanked on Ancient Runes for like two whole minutes.